I am one big mess of contradictions…

I love an urban city. The concrete and iron, weather and life worn, the old, the really talented graffiti that can pop-up in the most unlikely spots, the little hole-in-the-wall establishments, the walking, the jam-packed, I love it all. I love the constant energy in the air. I love seeing the diversity in the people that walk the sidewalks and drive the streets.
I love the country. Nature, wide-open spaces, the solitude, the quiet, watching the seasons change and the crops grow. My life is a slower pace and more laid back in a country setting…but life for people that work the land, have a whole different line of stress and a different push and rush on their lives…but the stress and the demands and the pressure it is still there.
And I am somewhere in the middle in where I live, the suburbs. I don’t think it is a good compromise. In relationships with others, I think compromise is necessary; in life, compromise it is just settling and learning to be content…it is low expectations. I don’t want to live a life of low expectations.

I am in introvert that re-charges by being alone. I am also a person that absolutely loves getting to know new people. I find people fascinating. I am the wallflower, the observer on one day and in the center of everything another day. I had shut down the extroverted portions of me for awhile, not on purpose, I don’t know exactly what happened. I am opening myself back up to that side of me. I am ridiculously uncomfortable stepping out and meeting new people…yet, many people that do not know me well are surprised by that fact. I guess that is good, I am glad I do not always come across as awkward as I feel. I have learned that I can’t expect everything to come to me, that many people feel just the same way I do…uncomfortable. So, in order to interact with those around me, in order to learn more, know more, show more love…I have to step out and just put it out there..”Hi, my name is…”

I can hold grudges and remember grievances forever or I can forgive immediately and completely. My dislike for someone is extreme. My love for friends and family is extreme too. I am perfectly happy with the loving side of that…and really need to work on the other side of that.

I like to live life so full that I need a schedule but I love spontaneity. I hate to plan things. I love lists. I both hate to commit to things and long for commitment.

I love doing things but hate to be the one to plan them. I’m up to try anything, but rarely want to be the one to suggest them. I am trying to improve on this. Trying to be the one to find the new to explore, the new to try.

I’m a hard worker that is easily distracted if I do not have a deadline to work with. I can appear very lazy, or be very lazy. I am very pressure-motivated.

I’m learning that I don’t have to be one or the other – that the opposites can exist in me – that they are me. I am adaptable to a situation but that doesn’t make me flakey.