I am one big mess of contradictions…

I love an urban city. The concrete and iron, weather and life worn, the old, the really talented graffiti that can pop-up in the most unlikely spots, the little hole-in-the-wall establishments, the walking, the jam-packed, I love it all. I love the constant energy in the air. I love seeing the diversity in the people that walk the sidewalks and drive the streets.
I love the country. Nature, wide-open spaces, the solitude, the quiet, watching the seasons change and the crops grow. My life is a slower pace and more laid back in a country setting…but life for people that work the land, have a whole different line of stress and a different push and rush on their lives…but the stress and the demands and the pressure it is still there.
And I am somewhere in the middle in where I live, the suburbs. I don’t think it is a good compromise. In relationships with others, I think compromise is necessary; in life, compromise it is just settling and learning to be content…it is low expectations. I don’t want to live a life of low expectations.

I am in introvert that re-charges by being alone. I am also a person that absolutely loves getting to know new people. I find people fascinating. I am the wallflower, the observer on one day and in the center of everything another day. I had shut down the extroverted portions of me for awhile, not on purpose, I don’t know exactly what happened. I am opening myself back up to that side of me. I am ridiculously uncomfortable stepping out and meeting new people…yet, many people that do not know me well are surprised by that fact. I guess that is good, I am glad I do not always come across as awkward as I feel. I have learned that I can’t expect everything to come to me, that many people feel just the same way I do…uncomfortable. So, in order to interact with those around me, in order to learn more, know more, show more love…I have to step out and just put it out there..”Hi, my name is…”

I can hold grudges and remember grievances forever or I can forgive immediately and completely. My dislike for someone is extreme. My love for friends and family is extreme too. I am perfectly happy with the loving side of that…and really need to work on the other side of that.

I like to live life so full that I need a schedule but I love spontaneity. I hate to plan things. I love lists. I both hate to commit to things and long for commitment.

I love doing things but hate to be the one to plan them. I’m up to try anything, but rarely want to be the one to suggest them. I am trying to improve on this. Trying to be the one to find the new to explore, the new to try.

I’m a hard worker that is easily distracted if I do not have a deadline to work with. I can appear very lazy, or be very lazy. I am very pressure-motivated.

I’m learning that I don’t have to be one or the other – that the opposites can exist in me – that they are me. I am adaptable to a situation but that doesn’t make me flakey.

Incompleteness in Absence

"Today I begin to understand what love must be, if it exists. . . . When we are parted, we each feel the lack of the other half of ourselves. We are incomplete like a book in two volumes of which the first has been lost. That is what I imagine love to be: incompleteness in absence".
Edmond de Goncourt (1822-96) and Jules de Goncourt (1830-70), French writers.
The Goncourt Journals (1888-96; repr. in Pages from the Goncourt Journal, ed. by Robert Baldick, 1962), entry for 15 Nov. 1859.


I believe this statement to be true. But my view of what love is seems to evolve every year. Next year, when I am in a different place, will I still believe this statement? Or will I scoff at me of today for thinking that love completes a person? I hope I am not jaded and hard hearted, but I have been there before and life has taught me to never say never. I must be on guard with myself to keep my attitude turned towards the positive.


I am definitely not writing on here as much as I thought I would...or feel that I should. Internet is up at home. I am loving sitting in front of my Mac again. Oh, how I had missed it...but apparently not enough to do anything about it for a couple years. By the time I settle down for the evening I just want to read a chapter or two from a book and go to bed. I do not desire to compose blog posts or make rational thoughts any longer. I want to do that while I am at work, where I do not get paid to compose blog posts...or really even to think...but I have made a rule that I can not do that.

Tragus

I got the tragus on each of my ears pierced this weekend. I love it. That is all.

TGIF eve!

I like quotes...I like quotes a lot. Sometimes, it is just the way the words are used; sometimes, it is the meaning behind them...but quotes make my heart smile.

I read this one in one of my Printing Magazines (p38 CANVAS December 2009)
"I told you, it's Friday. But for me, everyday is Friday. There is something about people's moods on Fridays. Look around; if this was Tuesday, people would be different. If everybody acted on Tuesday like they did on Friday, we would all be a hell of a lot less ticked off all the time."

This is now hanging in my cubicle as a reminder.

I think that is something to aspire to. When it comes down to it, my mood, it is determined by me. I can not always control my emotions (I've tried and failed) but I can control how I react to them. I can choose to look for the good in everything. For example, I was mowing my yard - with a push-mower - the other day...I do not enjoy this. However, I decided that the sound of the motor was soothing, the sun on my shoulders felt amazing and I found something peaceful about the whole experience...and it all went better than usual. I didn't hate it as much. I hope I apply this mindset to more things in life...and the next time I have to mow my yard.

Biblical support:
2 Cor. 10:5 We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

Starting

Getting started, that is sometimes the hardest step. I have an idea for where I want this to go...but I have no idea how I want to start this.

First step: set up blog.
check, complete
Second step: do not blog at work, get internet at home.
um, fail...actually work-in-process, looking up internet options for home.
Third step: write about steps to become physically fit, emotionally fit & spiritually fit - they all require being intentional.